


Festis Bei Umo Canavarum

by SCH



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: ...sort of, Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-20 17:34:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14898969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCH/pseuds/SCH
Summary: Female mage Hawke and her beloved Fenris. Alone they are a force of nature, but together they are so much more.





	1. Too Close

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on the female mage Hawke/Fenris storyline. This story follows the canon universe but I'm making it my own. Enjoy!
> 
> This story is connected to my male Inquisitor story over here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413346  
> But you can read this story as a stand alone. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First night together.

Hawke entered her mansion after a long talk with Varric over a beer or two. The dwarf had helped her to get a different perspective on what had happened with Hadriana, and she owed him a lot for that. Varric always was good at giving her different sides of a story, and without him as a friend she knew she would have lost her way long ago. Mages were always at the edge of possession, even the strong ones like her, and most days only Varric’s reasonable voice could snap her out of her own head. Her inner world full of dark and seductive whispers.

She was lost in thought and didn’t see Fenris waiting for her in the hall and was slightly startled when he spoke. Without thought she prepared herself for a confrontation, because Fenris was unpredictable at the best of times and dangerous every other time. 

“I’ve been thinking about what happened with Hadriana.” Fenris hardly looked at her and didn’t look confrontational or angry, so Hawke relaxed some. “I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I was… not myself. I’m sorry.”

She wasn’t afraid of him per se. It had more to do with her feelings for him, and her general inexperience when it came to matters of the heart. How was she supposed to deal with him? And show him she cared? “I had no idea where you went, I was concerned.” She tried but didn’t know if it was the right thing to say. Like she said, he was unpredictable. 

“I needed to be alone.” Fenris still kept his gaze on anything but her, and for the first time she could see he was feeling vulnerable. Uncertain. “When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep. Because of her status, I was powerless to respond and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now… I couldn’t let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

With careful steps she moved closer to him and said with a soft voice, “What do you mean?”

“This hate… I thought I’d gotten away from it. But it dogs me no matter where I go.” He had noticed her moving and looked up at her with an intense gaze. “To feel it again, to know it was they who planted it inside me… it was too much to bear. But I didn’t come here to burden you further.” His strong back was now in front of her and she didn’t know if she had the right to stop him, but she wanted to. There was so much she wanted to tell him.

“You don’t need to leave, Fenris.” She grabbed his arm, trying to convey her wish for him to stay. 

His reaction was not what she would have guessed, and with glowing marks he came face to face with her pushing her up against the wall. Showing nothing but aggression in his stance, the marks making her hair stand on end, and his eyes not seeing her. It frightened her at first, to face this side of Fenris, but she quickly pushed him back. She had never been one to back down and the glowing marks looked like a challenge. With her magic she pushed right back, and as his hand tried to crush her arm she sneered and leaned up to kiss him. He was shocked out of his state of mind, but he too refused to back down and together they started kissing like there was no tomorrow. 

It was a battle of wills and they forgot where they were as they tried to get closer to one another. The attraction between them was burning like an all-consuming flame and with rough hands they started tearing each other’s clothes off. With a deep moan she found herself half naked and decided they should move this to her bedroom. 

“Bed.” She whispered against his lips, and with a growl Fenris lifted her into his arms and carried her up the stairs to her bed. The show of strength and desperation made her tingle all over and she held on to him with a very strong need to get closer. His markings were now glowing softly all the time, as if he couldn’t control them, and it made her magic sing -- it was an amazing feeling and she never wanted it to end. 

He tore the last of her clothes off, but got stuck on her red undershirt, and with a laugh she tore it off him and tied a piece of it around his wrist. The red looked good against his glowing markings and white hair and with hungry eyes she moved Fenris’ hands into her hair kissing his wrists as she did. There was something uncontrolled and wild in his eyes as he watched her and with a grunt he tore off the last of his own clothes.

“Hawke…” He breathed against her throat as he moved her legs up against his sides, exposing her completely to him, and she threw her head back with a keening sound. Not only did their skin feel amazing against each other, but his markings and her magic were humming in tune with each other. She didn’t know why, but it was both soothing and a huge turn on at the same time. The slightest touch from his skin against her made it hard for her to hold back her orgasm because of this, but she did for as long as she could. 

It wasn’t until he gently nibbled her neck and then slowly pushed into her that she completely lost it. Her magic pushing out of her, entwining them, and making Fenris’ markings glow bright. These were both sensations she had never felt before, and with deep shiver of pleasure she breathed out a long moan as she came. Whispering her release against his ear as she licked it slowly. 

After that she wasn’t surprised he held on to her harder with a growl and then kissed her half senseless as he took his own pleasure from her. Moving inside her like he’d never done anything else as amazing in his life, and she agreed. If sex felt like this she could understand why Isabella wanted it all the time. Not that she wanted to be like Isabella, because she only wanted to be this close to Fenris. It was like he’d opened something inside of her she’d never known existed before, and with nothing but love she kissed him senseless as he came inside her. 

She knew she must have looked like a fool, filled to the brink with love, but he only continued to kiss her until they both cooled down and then fell asleep. He was lying half on top of her, but she didn’t mind as she snuggled closer and buried her face against his soft hair. It felt a bit like finding a home, or peace, or a higher meaning. She couldn’t define it, but she knew something had changed within her for good… or bad. 

***

Something woke her in the middle of the night, but she didn’t care what as she felt Fenris lying against her still. Snoring softly in her ear and completely boneless. Carefully she moved her hand over his naked skin and was fascinated by his markings reacting to her proximity. Her magic was humming against his skin like they were feeding off each other to create something beautiful together, and she was enraptured by its beauty. 

She tried to swallow the feelings she felt bubbling to the surface, but she was powerless under their influence, and she knew what she had to do. With care she removed herself from under Fenris strong body and walked over to his clothes. They were still mostly intact and with a smile she lifted his belt up into her hands. Knowing her meaning would be clear to him, hopefully, she went to her chest and picked up her Amell crest. Her mother had had it made for her after they had moved into the mansion and now she wanted Fenris to have it. From now on he would be a part of their little family, she only hoped he would accept it, but from the looks of it he would. They had made love after all.

With a huge smile she placed the belt back on the floor and crawled back onto the bed. Carefully she moved herself in under Fenris again and almost laughed when he mumbled in his sleep and then held her closer than before. His strong arms around her felt like home and with a kiss to his cheek she went back to sleep. Hoping with all her might that he would decide to stay, not just tomorrow, but for a long time to come.

***

Something wasn’t right the next time she woke, and with a frown she looked around. Fenris was no longer on the bed with her, and when she saw him standing by the fire she was confused. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and she felt her insides go cold all over. Her mana felt like ice coursing through her body and she tried to kick start her brain.

“Was it that bad?” She tried to make light of what she saw, but she knew it wouldn’t work. This wasn’t something she would be able to fix with her quick wit, she just knew it.

“I’m sorry, it’s not… it was fine.” Fenris said and turned towards her, but he must have seen something on her face because he hurried to say. “No. That’s insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed.”

“Was it my magic… your markings?” She heard herself say but didn’t know what she was trying to ask. Her mind was as empty as her body and she knew she was waiting for him to walk out on her. 

“It’s not that.” He looked upset and shaken, and she wished she could do something to make it right. But maybe she was part of the problem? “I began to remember. My life before. Just flashes… It’s too much. This is too fast. I cannot… do this.”

His voice was shaking, as was his body, and she got it. Hell, how could she force someone she loved to expose himself to pain every time they were together. So, instead of asking him all the questions she wanted to ask she only said, “I… see…”

“I’m sorry.” He said without looking at her, and it was a good thing he didn’t because she could feel herself flinch at those words. “I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy… just for a little while. Forgive me.” And with those words he was gone.

At first, she didn’t notice him leave, but when the front door sounded from far off she snapped out of whatever state she’d fallen into. She tried to make herself move, to shake herself out of this state, but nothing she thought of could get her to move. Was she in shock? She couldn’t say, but after a while she started shaking and... finally she was able to move. What was she supposed to do? Go after him? No, that was probably not a good idea. He wouldn’t be in the mood to talk most likely, and she would probably end up hitting him… hard.

“Varric.” She said out of the blue, surprising even herself, but with shaky hands she got dressed quickly. There were too many pieces of clothes and memories of their night spread all around her and with a deep breath she left her room behind. If she was running to get out of there as soon as possible she ignored it.

“Bodahn. Please leave my room…” She saw pieces of clothes all over the hall and living room. “Shit.”

“I’ll take care of it, messere.” Bodahn smiled softly, but she only nodded her thanks and left her house behind. She needed to get to Varric as soon as possible, or this could get nasty. There were already thoughts nipping at her heels, trying to get her to make stupid things, and she tried to outrun them as fast as possible. 

She banged open the door to the Hanged Man in no time and saw Varric sitting in the corner with the regulars, telling stories as usual. Something must have alerted Varric to her mental state because he waved her to his room and joined her in no time. 

“Hey there, Hawke.” He said with a hesitant smile, and she tried to smile back. She couldn’t sit still and was pacing back and forth while she tried to make sense of her messed up feelings. “You look… hounded.”

She heard the whispers at the back of her mind. Demons mocking her, belittling her, and laughing at her distress. It wasn’t a challenge to push them away, but they kept coming back. There was no reason to think she would give in to them, but her heart and mind was torn to shreds -- she felt broken -- and they knew it. It was scaring her a bit, since she had never had problem with her control before, and she tried to get herself to calm down and focus. 

“I’m not okay.” She said at last.

“No shit.” Varric breathed and stopped her with a hand around her wrist. “Sit down and tell me.”

“You were right.” She growled and pulled her wrist from his grip. “I should have let it be…” Her hands were now pulling at her hair, and with a groan she sat down in front of Varric’s fire.

“Ah.” Varric said with understanding and sat down beside her, handing her a bottle of whiskey. “Broody said something stupid again?”

She swallowed down half the bottle in no time, and Varric looked at her with genuine worry. “No, he left after…” There was no way she could say more than that and continued to drink down the rest of the bottle avoiding Varric’s knowing gaze.

“That’s even worse...” Varric whispered and handed her another bottle. She accepted it with a quiet “thanks” and continued drinking. The dwarf knew all about her feelings for Fenris, and the lack of anything even resembling intimacy or love in her younger years. This was probably the reason why he kept quiet and helped her drink the night away. They drank in silence, because there was nothing to say. Your first heartache was always the worst, as they were both slaves to this fact. 

“Make sure I don’t go to him.” Was the last thing she said before she drank herself unconscious, and Varric agreed without hesitation. A drunk Hawke was not above coldblooded murder they'd discovered, and they knew she would regret killing the broody elf more than anything. It wasn’t worth the headache... or the heartache for that matter.

***

She woke up with a killer headache and was surprised to find herself alone in Varric’s suite. The dwarf must have left during the night, and she had to remember to thank him for looking after her as she drank herself stupid. Hopefully she hadn’t said or done anything overly stupid or embarrassing while she drank, but at the same time it didn’t matter. While Varric loved to gossip and tell stories she trusted him with her secrets as well as her life and sanity. He was a true friend.

With a groan she rose from the bed and made her way to the bar. She needed something to eat and drink or her head would explode. It took some time, but she made her way there and sat down with a deep groan. Her head was pounding, and she quietly asked for a meal and something to drink. The barman gave it to her with loud voice, but she ignored that as she stuffed her face with the food. Never let it be said she was a picky eater. 

This was how Varric and Isabella found her a while later, and one look at her must have decided it for them because they didn’t say anything as they sat down beside her. She was thankful for their company because she didn’t feel like being completely alone right now -- her insides were already cold and empty enough -- and she was afraid what she would do. Her magic was crackling all over her skin, flaring up and dying down, and she wondered what that meant. 

“You’re no better than he is.” Isabella said with her usual flippant voice, but Hawke couldn’t feel anything but emptiness as she said those words. “He was brooding worse than you though, so I guess that’s something.”

“Yeah, he’s gone from brooding to right out misery.” Varric commented, but Hawke only nodded and continued eating. “Are you okay, Hawke?”

“Yes.” She answered with a very fake smile, and Varric narrowed his eyes at her. Her headache was gone, finally, and she didn’t feel like thinking back to yesterday. There were too many feelings lurking in those memories and she didn’t dare touch them. She was afraid what she would unleash if she did, for real, and she decided to bury those memories forever. They would join her memories of her father, Bethany, and all the other bad things she had caused in one way or another. Ignorance is bliss, and she was a master at repression. 

It took her a couple of minutes of eating and focusing, but when she was done she shook herself and then focused on Varric. There it was, at the back of her mind where it could no longer hurt her. “I’m not moping. Don’t worry.” She said with a genuine smile, and now Varric got an extremely worried look on his face. 

“Hawke. You’re scaring me here.” The dwarf said, and Isabella looked at her with a frown.

“I’m okay.” She shrugged and finished her meal with a burp. “So, what’s the mission planned for today?” Her cheerful voice wasn’t fake, and both Varric and Isabella decided they would need to keep a close eye in Hawke. Something was hiding behind all that cheer and they were afraid what would happen if they ever found out.


	2. At Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight with Meredith.

Hawke looked at Fenris, but soon turned her gaze towards Orsino. Shit, what was she doing? This was a stupid move, but she couldn't see any other way. “This won’t be easy, but I’ll defend you.”

All of her friends looked at her like she was mad, even crazy, but Hawke stood her ground and listened to their arguing and complaints. She had made her choice. It was something she would die for, if necessary, and she wasn’t going to change her mind. She wasn’t going to force anyone to join her though, and she kept quiet.

“After all the evil that magic has wrought, you would still support them?” Fenris looked like he didn’t know if he should hit her or hug her, and Hawke sighed and looked at him with a tired face. She was a mage too, and while she loved Fenris more than life itself he could be a bit too much sometimes. It had been years, but she knew he still didn’t trust her completely. Siding with the mages probably wouldn’t help to improve their relationship, but she couldn’t turn her back on her fellow mages… she just couldn’t. 

“You sure about this? Even you might not win this fight.” Varric said with his most reasonable voice, and Hawke looked at him with a smile. What Varric saw on her face must have convinced him, because he only nodded and held Bianca closer with a hum. 

“Think carefully, Champion. Stand with them and you share their fate.” Meredith sneered, and looked crazier by the minute. This was the moment Hawke decided she would never let Meredith win this fight. She had to protect everyone, not only the mages, from this lunactic. Whatever it took.

“I can live with that.” Hawke sneered right back, and she could hear Orsino’s relieved voice. None of that mattered though as she looked at Meredith with narrowed eyes. There was something off about her, but she couldn’t put her finger on what it was.

“It is a mistake, but I won’t abandon you.” It was Fenris beloved voice and it snapped her out of her thoughts. He looked at her with a blank face and she suppressed a sigh. How he could love her at all was a mystery. She had hoped he would come to see her in a new light after all their time together, but maybe not. Shit, it hurt, but she still wouldn’t give up on this path. Her way was clear to her. She only wished Fenris could see it too. 

“I see what you are trying to do, and my place… is with you.” Aveline said with conviction and Hawke breathed a sigh of relief. At least one person wouldn’t judge her. It made her take strength in what she had to do, and she straightened her back.

“You are a fool, Champion. Kill them all! I will rouse the rest of the order!” Meredith ordered and walked away. Hawke cursed her silently. 

“Go! Get to the Gallows before it’s too late.” Orsino ordered the mages, and Hawke knew what she had to do. 

“Incapacitate the Templars only!” She shouted over the chaos breaking out, and they all looked at her with surprise. “They are not or enemies! Do as I say!” The Templars actually paused in their assault for a moment, and she smiled over at them. “I am not your enemy!” She shouted with a strong voice, and some of the Templars took a step back and lowered their swords. Good, she had to start somewhere. Not all mages were evil and beyond control, after all, and she needed them to see that. And these Templars… they had done nothing to her. She wouldn’t kill them over Meredith’s lunacy.

The fight was over in no time. 

Only a handful of Templars decided to fight them for real, and she made sure they only lost their weapons or were knocked unconscious. The rest of the Templars stood back and refused to kill needlessly. Nothing good could come from more death and violence, and most Templars seemed to think the same. They were not so different after all.

Something she was heartbroken Anders hadn’t seen, or didn’t want to see, and she ended his life with no regret. How he thought his actions could ever be forgiven or understood she never knew. This wasn’t and couldn’t be justice, and she left him where he fell to the ground, never looking back. He might have been her friend, but she drew the line right here. 

When the fight was done she looked up at where the Chantry used to be and felt Fenris come up beside her. This was going to be hard to do, but she steeled herself and handed over a knife to him. He accepted it with a frown but didn’t say anything. Always making her work for it, damn him.

“You’ll have to kill me if we fail.” She said with a weak voice. Her companions heard and were about to protest, but after a hard look from her they gave them space. This was between the two of them.

“Pardon?” He looked a little sick, but mostly confused, and she sighed.

“If the Circle falls. Kill me.” For once there was no jest in her words or on her face. This was too important.

“I… what?” Fenris looked down at the knife, and quickly dropped it to the ground. “Why… why do you ask this of me?” He looked genuinely upset, but she was tired to always fight him on this.

“I share their fate.” She said with conviction. 

“Why are you saying this?” His question hurt her, his voice a little broken, but she held her ground.

“This is where you must choose.” She gave him a hard look, because she couldn’t live with this uncertainty between them any longer. Trust was just as important as love. “I may be stronger than these mages, my will unshakable most days, but you know as well as I do that these mages grew up drowned in fear. I didn’t. My father protected me from that. Fenris, you know first-hand what fear does to a person. Maker, you lived it.” 

Fenris narrowed his eyes. “That is no excuse.” He growled, but she growled right back.

“You can’t have it both ways, Fenris.” She said with a sad voice. “If you think me defending them is a mistake, then... I am one too. How can you not see this?” Her breath grew heavy, but she stepped back when he tried comfort her. “This is me, Fenris, fighting for myself and every innocent soul in that tower. I will own this mistake, and I won’t regret it.” 

Fenris looked at her like he saw her for the first time, and she thanked the Maker. “I see.” Was all he said with a small frown, and she breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Finally, Fenris was facing his feelings about this matter. It gave her some hope. It might not be the right time, or the right place, but it was long overdue. With a small smile, filled with all the love she held for him, she walked away.

“With me!” She motioned for her friends, and Templars still standing, to move out. “Let’s end this!” She then whispered to herself as she held on to her staff with a punishing grip. “Peacefully, I hope. Not that I get why I hope for anything but chaos these days, I haven’t exactly had any luck so far. Why start now? Urgh…”

She could feel Fenris walk close by, keeping a respectful distance but watching her intently, and she smiled on the inside. He always made her feel cared and loved, making her insides burn with a warmth she hadn’t found anywhere else, and if this fight wasn’t so important she would embrace him and never let him go. Ever.

***

“Here I am, about to defend these mages in hopeless battle. You lead me to strange places, Hawke.” Fenris smiled carefully, but she smiled back with only love shining on her face. Sometimes he was just too cute she couldn’t stand it, and she had to hold herself back from jumping him. 

“I’ll take you to stranger places than this, just watch.” She teased, and he laughed softly with just as much love aimed at her. They were slowly moving closer to one another, as if drawn by an invisible force, and she didn’t resist it.

“A tempting offer.” He whispered seductively, and she could feel herself shiver. This was why it was hard to have a serious conversation with him most times. One correctly worded sentence and she would jump his bones. Maker, they were worse than bunnies. It was a miracle they didn’t have five kids already. 

They now stood forehead to forehead and she said with a soft voice, “So?” 

“I, thought about what you said.” Fenris whispered, “I will stand by you, always. No matter the cause or the reason. I…” He paused and took hold of her hands. “I… may not get the chance to say this again. Meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me, Hawke.” He stepped back a bit and gently took hold of her face with both hands. “Promise me you won’t die. I can’t bare the thought of living without you.”

“Oh, Fenris.” She said with a shaky voice. “I don’t plan on dying.”

“You better not.” He said with a strong voice and pulled her into his arms and kissed her half senseless. She wound her legs around his waist and moved her fingers into his impossibly soft hair with a moan. He held her closer still and it felt like they were completely free. Without a care in the world and together no matter what. They would make it through this hell and see each other on the other side, she would make sure of it.

***

When the fighting was over she could hardly stand, everything hurt, and she wished she could just lie down and rest for a week or two. She’d taken some good hits from Meredith, to protect her companions, and herself. She wouldn’t regret standing between the crazy lunatic and the city of Kirkwall, but now when the adrenaline was wearing off she kind of did for a second. There were injuries on her body that she didn’t want to think about and she hoped she wouldn’t pass out. There must have been something that gave away how much she hurt though, because Fenris came running up to her with a worried expression. 

“Hawke?” His voice sounded far off and she tried to shake hear head to clear it. That was a big mistake as her head started spinning and before she knew it she fell unconscious. Fenris caught her without difficulty and hurried to lift her into his arms before any of the Templars at the Gallows got ideas about her. Hawke might be a mage, but she was his mage, and no one got to touch her but him.

Cullen came towards them with a careful expression, and they all gathered around Hawke to protect her. The Templar noticed this and held up his hands, “I wasn’t going to… I was just… is she all right?”

Fenris held her closer and glared at the Templar. “What concern is that of yours?”

“Fenris.” Aveline chided, but Fenris just glared at them all.

“You’re so protective of her… a little overprotective, I think.” Isabella rolled her eyes, but Fenris just rolled his own right back at her with mockery.

“Broody, I think we need to get her to a healer, and soon.” Varric snapped them all out of the mood.

“Venhedis.” Fenris cursed and left the Gallows behind, Hawke a dead weight in his arms. Their friends could see a blood trail left in their wake, and with worried expressions they followed. Without looking back they left the mess at the Gallows behind. 

The sorry sight of Cullen standing there, without a Circle or Commander, was burned into their minds… but they couldn’t regret what they’d done. It was far too late for regrets anyway.

***

“Come back to me, Hawke.” Fenris was keeping vigil, as he had done for days now. They others had tried to get him to leave for an hour or two, but Fenris had refused vehemently. Anf after Aveline failed they all gave up and let him be.

The healer came to check on Hawke once or twice a day, but with the chaos still raging the streets of Kirkwall these visits were coming less and less. Both Isabella and Varric had begged Fenris to take his stuff and leave, before the situation became worse. Fenris had almost taken their heads off for this, because there was no way he would leave Hawke behind, and after that no one dared to talk to Fenris about it.

“At times like these… I never thought I’d say this, but…” He looked worn out as he continued, “This… waiting for you to wake up. It makes it easier to understand your plight. To understand why desperate mages would turn to the only option left to them.” He heaved a sigh and leaned down over Hawke’s vulnerable body. Caressing her face with gentle fingers as he tried to keep his worry from his voice. “I still don’t think mages should be free. At least not without some form of supervision. But you… you're different.” He looked at her with an intense gaze. “You are free, yet still hasn’t fallen to temptation. Never trained in the Circle, yet have more control than any mage I’ve ever met. Been broken, in so many ways… yet keep on fighting. Always fighting. I have never begged in my life but… I beg of you, Hawke, please fight! Do not leave me behind.”

His eyes filled with tears, but he refused to let them fall. “Amatus, please. Don’t go where I can’t follow.” 

***

_Hawke woke with a loud gasp. She expected to wake up in her bed, or on the battlefield, but the world around her was nothing like she'd thought. It was the fade, or something like it, but she couldn’t be sure since it looked exactly like Fenris’ mansion. Why was she here? What happened after the battle? Where was Fenris? She knew no one would answer those questions so she dragged herself out of Fenris’ bed and went to have a look around. Maybe Fenris was here somewhere…_

_“Fenris?” She said with a weak voice, but no one answered. With a tired body she made it to the front door, but it refused to open for her. Something was keeping her locked in the mansion, alone, and she was starting to get a bad feeling about this._

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_She went back into the main hall and had a good look around with narrowed eyes. “Okay, I’ll bite. What do you want? What am I doing here?”_

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_There was something coming up behind her, and then, out of the corner of her eye she saw Fenris. Problem was, it was not the same Fenris she held so dear. No, this Fenris looked much younger and a lot more scared. He looked like he was suffering and hadn’t eaten for days. She tried to hold her feelings in check, but it was a hard sight to see. Everything in her begged to help him, to take care of him, and make it better. And Maker, did she want to._

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_“Don’t try your cheap tricks on me, demon.” She growled, but had to look away from the sight before her because it physically hurt her to see Fenris like this. Maker, give her strength!_

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_A child’s voice answered her, and she felt herself shiver all over. “Hawke, please. Look at me.”_

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_“No!” She said with a firm voice, and kept her head turned away and her eyes closed. “This is not real. I won’t be fooled into some deal with you. Be gone, demon!”_

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_Before she could prepare herself though a lot of voices from the past started haunting her. They were all talking to her at once, tormented her senses and drowning out everything else. Bethany, accusing her of failing her and their family. Her mother, shouting at her for being too late and letting her die. Her brother, still alive but suffering with the Wardens. A young Fenris, tormented and beaten half to death under Danarius rule. Varric rambling with a crazy voice, his mind taken over by the red lyrium._

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_It felt like her head would explode and she curled up on the floor, head between her knees protecting it with her hands and wished for it all to end. Hopefully it would end sooner rather than later, preferably before she went mad… or worse. She could already feel her control slipping and it scared her half to death, because since she was a kid her father had trained her relentlessly and her control had always been impeccable. Even her father had often praised her for it. But this… it was too much. It felt like an assault on her very soul, and it wasn’t until she felt the scent of lyrium that she snapped out of it._

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_“Vishante kaffas!” The vehement curse that left her lips startled her at first, before it made her smile. Fenris had indeed rubbed off on her in more ways than one. This made her insides go warm, and she saw his pleased smile before her mind’s eye._

__

__

_“Red lyrium… Meredith.” She continued with a growl and looked over at the tormented Fenris with narrowed eyes. The constant chattering had stopped, but now it was quiet as the grave instead. This was almost as unnerving, but quiet she could handle. Fenris had taught her the importance of silence over the years, and now she treasured it. “I’m infected.”_

__

__

_“Not yet. But you are succumbing to it.” The _not_ Fenris told her with a wicked smile, and she stood up before him with a defiant look._

__

__

_“You think I’ll go down without a fight?” She chuckled without mirth and prepared herself for whatever the apparition had in store for her._

__

__

_The fake Fenris only laughed and started saying, “You won’t be able to--”_

__

__

_”Hawke! Amatus!” It was her beloved Fenris shouting to her from far away, like a whisper in her mind, and she focused only on that voice._

“Fenris!” She shouted back, as loud as she could, and felt him pull her up and away. There were arms around her and then soft lips on hers. It felt like nothing of this world and with a sigh she closed her eyes and when she opened them she was back in the real world. 

“Fenris…” She whispered with a choked voice between kisses, but her lover only hummed and continued to kiss her with relentless passion. Nothing could ever make her feel like Fenris made her feel, and when he climbed on top of her on the bed she clung to him so hard she knew there would be bruises. 

***

After they had kissed and caressed for what felt like an eternity there was suddenly a sharp stab of pain in her left hip and she whimpered. Fenris immediately let go of her and looked at her like she’d just wounded him deeply, but when he saw her clutching her hip he frowned with worry.

“Amatus. Are you hurt?” He asked carefully and tried to keep her hands at bay as he parted her clothes to take a closer look. 

“Lyrium… under my skin. It burns.” She gasped and tried to push Fenris off her, but Fenris would have none of it and examined the area with intense eyes.

“I can’t see anything, but if you--”

There was suddenly a loud bang, and then Varric’s voice. “Fenris!” The tone of Varric’s voice got both their attention, and while she dressed Fenris hurried to meet him.

“Yes?”

“Why are you still here?” Varric looked extremely worried, and Fenris frowned.

“You know why I’m here.”

“No, why are you still in Kirkwall?” Varric saw her on her feet and hurried over with a big smile. “Maker’s breath am I glad to see you're awake Hawke.” She hurried to give Varric a big hug but didn’t drag it out since Varric looked ready to jump out of his skin at any second. “While I would love to stay and chat, you two need to move, now.”

“I take it this is serious.” Fenris said and started gathering his things. 

“Seekers. Scary people with not enough sense to stop and ask questions before they do something stupid.” Varric hurried them on, and she tried to keep up. Her right hip was hurting like hell though, and she wasn’t sure she would be able to run on it for any length of time. 

“Varric…” She said with a long look, but he just shook his head and gave her a small smile. 

“We’ll see each other again, soon. Just get out of here, Hawke.”

“I’ll miss you.” She hugged him again with tears in her eyes, and she could see he was misty eyed too. 

“You too…” He said with a shaky smile, but before they could say or do anything else the front door was kicked in and Fenris got a hurried look on his face. 

“Go.” 

With a kiss to Varric’s forehead she left her best friend behind and jumped out of the window after Fenris. It was best if she let him take the lead, he’d perfected the art of running over the years after all, and together they left Fenris’ mansion behind.

“My locket…” She gasped after a minute and was prepared to turn towards her own house, but Fenris only grabbed her around the waist and pushed her in the other direction.

“No.” Was all he said as he took her hand and continued running.

“But…”

“No.”

She understood why, but it still hurt to leave all her things behind. She didn’t even have a change of clothes or her favorite staff. Even though she would miss some of it, the only thing she would really miss was the locket. It contained a piece of hair from everyone in her family, and it had always made her feel as if all her family was with her, no matter what happened, but now… 

Not to mention her loyal and fierce mabari. “Fenris. Cormac… Please.” She begged, but he only grunted and ignored her. There was a moment of hesitation though and she could tell he would miss the dog. There was nothing they could do about it now, she just hoped Cormac gave the Seekers hell.

They were soon out of the city and with sad eyes she looked down at it with longing. She didn’t long for just the streets or the buildings. No, it was all the adventures and memories she had down there. It felt like she was leaving that part of her life behind, forever, and it didn’t feel right. That city would always be a part of her, for good and bad, and her friends…

Varric.

Aveline.

Even Sebastian. 

It was with a heavy heart she left Kirkwall and followed Fenris into the unknown. 

***

It took her two hours before the pain in her hip forced her to stop with a pained grunt. Fenris understood immediately and carefully lifted her up onto his back and then continued walking at a slower pace. She chuckled softly and buried her face in his neck. His scent felt comforting and there was no one else she’d rather have at her side like this. Despite the mess they were in she felt comforted knowing he was at her side, taking care of her… loving her.

The comfort was interrupted by her hip cramping with pain and with a shout she let go of him and fell to the ground. There was nothing but the pain burning into her mind and body and she barely heard Fenris as he tried to calm her down. It wasn’t until she felt a sharp pain dig into her hip and then... nothing as she could finally breathe again.

“Red lyrium!?” She heard Fenris exclaim, and then she saw him throw the shard away from them. He then looked down at her in horror. “Kaffas! Are you okay?”

“I am now.” A soft smile was on her lips and when he relaxed she leaned up to kiss him. It was like a floodgate opened between them and before they knew it they were removing each other’s clothes and trying to get as close as possible. It was a need deeper than any sane thought right now, but she was still happy they were somewhat hidden in a forest. 

It was as when they were kissing each other senseless that she heard it. Loud barking. She broke away from where she was straddling Fenris and raised her head to have a look around. “Cormac! Here boy!” The barking grew happier, and before she could take another breath she had a slobbering mabari all over her. “Hi boy. Good boy. So clever. You gave them hell before you left, I take it.” Cormac woofed happily and walked all over Fenris chest as he tried to get closer to her. 

“Get him off.” Fenris wheezed as he tried to push the massive dog away, and with a laugh she did. She ordered the massive dog to stay guard and then looked down at the slightly crushed lover. “Now, where was I?” She grinned and Fenris rolled his eyes with a suppressed grin.

“I think--” Fenris didn’t get to finish his thought as Hawke started riding him with a seductive smile, and with a grin and a deep groan Fenris moved with her. Their naked skin against one another felt amazing and as they come together she kissed Fenris with all the love she felt for him. Fenris kissed back just as deeply as he groaned his release into her mouth, holding on to her head with loving fingers. He didn’t want to let go even after they had calmed down and she laid down half on top of him with a contented sigh. Fenris pulled some clothes to cover them and then slowly fell asleep stroking her face.

Hawke laid awake for a long time listening to his heart, it calmed her down like it always did and she could feel herself tear up. This was going to be hard and so terrible she wanted to stab herself in the heart and be done with it right now. She was starting to miss him already and she had to force herself not to make any sounds as she moved away from him. Cormac made his way over to them, but she motioned for him to keep quiet and calm and her dear dog did as asked. Not all of her clothes could be found, but she dressed in what she found and then quietly left Fenris behind. 

But before she had time to leave the forest clearing there was a noise from behind her, and everything in her wanted to turn around to join Fenris. She refused to listen to her heart in this. She couldn't. Fenris would die a thousand deaths to save her life and she wouldn’t let him do that, ever. There was only one life more important to her than Fenris and it was her brother's, and thet both needed to be free of her to be able to survive what was about to come. Magic was going to become more and more dangerous, and the less they had to do with magic in their lives the better. 

When she’d run for hours she finally stopped with a keening sound, her heart hurting so much she thought it would break in two. Only Cormac comforting her stopped her from running right back. Tears were running down her cheeks, and she gasped for breath as she tried to calm herself. 

“Fenris…” There was nothing else to say, and it took her weeks to speak much of anything after that one word. Not even Cormac could get her out of her dark and somber mood.

She heard from Varric months later where he cursed her to the void and back for leaving Fenris behind, but she only shook herself and carried on. Fenris, Varric and Carver was _not_ going to die on her watch, not if she could help it. Come void, or the Maker himself, she would make sure they survived the calamity to come.


	3. Something Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke at Skyhold.

The journey to Skyhold had been long and hard, but she had never been one to give up easily. It made it easier to travel with haste as she knew Varric was waiting for her at her destination. She hadn’t seen her friend for too long, and since leaving Fenris behind she really needed to see a friendly face. 

Her beloved Fenris had cursed her for leaving to chase rumors and legends, but he had agreed with her in the end. The love she felt for Fenris at that moment couldn’t be expressed in words, but fear overtook her. A fear that she might lose Fenris before his time, before they could build something more together, and therefore she snuck away in the middle of the night. Leaving nothing behind.

The expression on Fenris face was easily guessed, and she was sure he would want to kill her the next time they met. But she knew she couldn’t have acted in any other way. The paths she had walked, and would continue to walk, was too dangerous. Fenris willingness to die to protect her scared her half to death. It was only luck she hadn’t fallen into a demon’s trap trying to keep that fear at bay, but she was strong enough to resist it. The thought that Fenris would have to cut her down, if she was ever possessed, was enough to keep herself in line.

She would do anything to see Fenris once more, to say goodbye for good if nothing else. Damn, but she loved that broody elf more than life itself, and she was sure she would get to prove it one of these days. These thoughts of her beloved were dangerous, especially with Corypheus on the loose, and she suppressed them as best as she could for now. 

Damn, but it hurt not to have Fenris by her side or on her mind.

Not to mention Carver in the Wardens… Shit. Thank fuck for Aveline. 

***

"Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall." Varric introduced her to the Inquisitor. To say she was surprised at the sight of him was an understatement. It was a mage before her, this she could tell, but he looked more like a weathered soldier who had seen too much. Who had suffered by the hands of Templars most likely. She immediately felt a deep respect for him, and she would do what she could to help him. Corypheus was going down, in their honor, if nothing else.

"Though I don't use that title much anymore." She chuckled softly and joined them with a small smirk. The Inquisitor gave her a slight bow, and she bowed right back. Not only was the Inquisitor a handsome lad, but he had manners too, something she appreciated. Few bothered with manners nowadays, a thing she had taught countless people the lesson of not practicing, and she was sick of it. 

"Hawke, meet the Inquisitor. I figured you might have some friendly advice about Corypheus. You and I did fight him, after all." Varric's voice held nothing but warmth as he spoke, and she smiled down at her friend with genuine love. Varric always would be her dearest friend, and it felt amazing to be with him again. It just wasn’t the same without him somehow, and she had missed his company while she’d roamed the lands for answers about the red lyrium. 

She looked over at the Inquisitor with a twinkle in her eyes and then leaned against the stone wall as she looked down over the yard below. There were people running around, doing chores, and living their life at Skyhold -- the sight comforted her. "You've already dropped half a mountain on the bastard. I'm sure anything I can say pales in comparison."

"Oh, I don't know, you did save a city from a horde of rampaging Qunari." The Inquisitor said with a smirk, and she looked over at him with raised eyebrows. The little mage was trying to play her game, but unfortunately, he was not quite up to it… yet. The snark would always be with her. 

She scoffed, but grinned, and looked over at Varric with amusement. The dwarf only grinned back with a happy expression. They sure had missed one another. "I don't see how that really applies... or is there a horde of rampaging Qunari I don't know about?"

The Inquisitor snorted and chuckled. "There's _a_ Qunari. He almost qualified as a horde all by himself. Fortunately, he's on our side."

"So, then, what can I tell you?" She glanced over at her beloved old mabari with mixed feelings. Cormac was old and frail, and he would likely die before this battle was over. Both her and Cormac knew they would go down fighting. Together. And now… the guilt of leaving Fenris behind got even worse. It was starting to really hurt, her chest constricting. 

"You fought Corypheus before..." 

The pressure lessened some, but she had a hard time focusing on the conversations. "Fought and killed. The Grey Wardens were holding him..." She explained everything that had happened, but there really was no more information she could give him that he didn’t already know. It was frustrating for all of them, and she wished she could give him more. Something!

The Inquisitor sighed after a while with a tired look on his face. "So Corypheus has the Venatori, the Red Templars, and now the Grey Wardens as well... wonderful."

The dwarf had moved to stand beside her, to offer comfort, and she ruffled his hair with a small smile playing on her lips. Varric always knew her best, since the very beginning to be fair, and she was very fortunate to have him in her life. "I didn't come this far just to give you bad news. I've got a friend in the Wardens. He was investigating something unrelated for me. His name is Stroud..."

Varric tried to take revenge for his ruffled hair while she told the Inquisitor all about Stroud, but the dwarf didn’t succeed. She had learned most of Varric’s moves by now, and the dwarf laughed softly at her teasing. But… he was zooming in on the bottle not far from them, and she knew exactly what he was thinking. 

"What were you doing with the Wardens?" The Inquisitor said with a frown.

This stopped her teasing cold, and she frowned as she looked away. Varric sighed too and looked old and tired, and with a mutual understanding they patted each other’s back. Those were memories they’d rather stay buried, but it was important the Inquisitor knew. "The Templars in Kirkwall was using a strange form of lyrium. It was red. I'd hoped the Wardens could tell me more about it."

"Any luck finding anything? Because we had Templars at Haven looking like they might have been exposed to it." The Inquisitor looked between them with worry and genuine inquiry, and she was annoyed she couldn’t give him more definite answers.

"Hopefully, I will know more soon." She said with determination, and she could see the Inquisitor was impressed with her. This was one of the reasons why Varric had Fenris stuck around she guessed, except for the love thing of course. Her determination had gotten them in, and out of, situations for years and years now after all.

"I appreciate the help." He said with a smile, but she shook her head.

"No need to thank me. I'm doing this as much for myself as you." She sighed heavily, but then said with a growl. "Corypheus is my responsibility. I thought I'd killed him before. This time, I'll make sure of it." She would kill that creature and hopefully get to go back to Fenris one day… Maker, she missed him.

The Inquisitor looked kind of intimidated by her fierce look, but she ignored it to focus on her goal. Corypheus dead and buried, for good this time. Nothing else mattered… not even... no, she wasn’t going there. Fenris was not going to matter here. He couldn’t. She would trade everything she had and everything she was to keep him safe, and if she had to die facing Corypheus to keep Fenris safe… she would do so in a heartbeat. She knew it might break Fenris’ heart beyond mending, but she had little choice. 

The Inquisitor hummed and promised her his help, but then he asked the one question that would hurt her heart more than anything. "I heard you had family and friends in Kirkwall. Where are they now?"

She held on to Varric with a death grip as she answered with a pained look on her face. Varric held on to her just as hard and offered whatever support he could, because they both knew this was the only thing she feared to lose. "Fenris would have killed himself trying to protect me. I couldn't give him that chance. As for my family..." She looked much younger and maybe a little scared as she continued, "... the few I have left, are safe." 

"Then we both fight for someone." The Inquisitor said with a soft smile, and she tried to smile back.

"Yes, always." She looked at the horizon with a yearning in her eyes. "All I want, is... his arms around me again. It's been too long." She could almost feel Fenris hugging her close, telling her how much he loved her, and she felt tears gathering in her eyes. It had been months and she felt worn out and lonely. Only Cormac had managed to keep her from totally losing her mind.

Varric took hold of her hand and said with a soft voice. "He's looking for you as we speak, I'm sure you'll be with him soon."

"Ah, Varric, what did you do?" She looked down at her most beloved friend with both relief and annoyance. But the knot in her stomach loosened a bit.

"I told him nothing. Broody figured it out all on his own." Varric looked a little smug, but also very happy, and she couldn’t be angry for long. "I had to keep him updated, Hawke. You know him. He was tearing down half the Free Marches looking for you, as well as killing all the slavers he could find, it had to stop. The blood alone makes me squirm."

She laughed quickly. "Worse than a dog with a bone." She looked over at her trusted mabari and smiled. Her dog had never been that way with a bone, and she wasn’t surprised Fenris was much worse. Her lover acted on instinct most of the time. Not that she would have him any other way. "I won't blame you, or him, from doing what you need to do. I just want him safe."

"Broody would resent that. Hey, I resent that." Varric took hold of her hand and steered her away from the Inquisitor, and she bowed quickly before she followed her friend obediently. "He loves you, idiot."

"I know..." She breathed with lump in her throat. “He’s my everything.”

“I know, I know. Come on, let me buy you a drink. This mood needs to be drowned in large amounts of Ferelden beer. Otherwise we’ll turn into Broody, and I refuse to be as gloomy as he is.” Varric smiled softly, and she chuckled with a sad smile.

“He is gloomy as hell.” She said with love shining from her eyes. “A beer, or ten, sounds like the perfect idea, dear friend. Lead the way.” If nothing else, she might get drunk enough to forget Fenris for an hour or two to give her some peace of mind. And… she wasn’t touching the Carver mess, she didn’t dare, or she might scream. Only the knowledge that Fenris was looking for her, with his usual intensity, made her able to sleep at all that night.

***

Stuck in the bloody fade. Her life, damn it. She wasn’t finished with her work in the real life, and to be here. Now. It was just not right. And the thought to never see Fenris or Kirkwall again, her brother, shit. She might have sounded flippant for them all to hear, but inside she was screaming. Get me the hell out of here! The fade was a dangerous place for a mage when dreaming, but to be walking in it… maybe some of what Fenris always said about magic were true after all. This was too dangerous to be allowed. 

She tried to stay focused, to stay calm, but it was turning out to be hard. Especially when she saw the Inquisitor change the fade around them at will. To have that power in the fade could only mean he was a Dreamer, and that scared her even more than walking in the fade itself. She wouldn’t say or do anything about it, of course, but she would keep an eye in the Inquisitor none the less. Maybe he was the biggest threat in this place?

Those thoughts helped her to focus enough that when the Nightmare started talking to them, mocking them, she could brush that aside without any efforts. The huge demon here in the fade would probably be no match to their dear Inquisitor anyway, or at least she could hope so. She needed to think only death was waiting for it at the end, or she would be too close to give up… or giving in. Both thoughts equally as terrifying. 

"Once again, Hawke is in danger because of you, Varric. You found the red lyrium. You brought Hawke here..." She saw Varric flinch at those words, and she bared her teeth at the voice and moved closer to her friend. That was a lie. Every danger she had inflicted upon herself or others were because of her alone, no one else. 

"Just keep talking, Smiley." Varric mumbled and handled Bianca with intent, and she looked down at him with a suppressed laugh.

“Smiley? Really?” She whispered and Varric shrugged. The voice of the demon laughed, but she ignored it and was glad Varric did as well. Her dear friend had been through too much to take this burden upon himself as well, the red lyrium was enough. 

"Don't mind me, Varric." She continued with a small smile. "You know me and danger, we always run into each other sooner or later."

“That’s true.” Varric said only to her, and she placed her hand on his shoulder with a nod. It would be all right. Even if she had to die to keep him safe.

"Oh, you are so true." The demon sounded both smug and certain when it continued, and she felt a shiver run down her spine. This was not going to be good for her. "Did you think you mattered, Hawke? Did you think anything you ever did mattered? You couldn't even save your city. How could you expect to strike down a god?” She took a deep breath and steeled herself for the final blow. “Fenris is going to die, just like your family, and everyone you ever cared about. Even the result for your union together will suffer, I will make sure of it. You're a failure, and your family died knowing it."

There was a shocked silence, from everyone but the demon who laughed. After years together, Fenris and her… She thought she was barren, unable to carry a child, and now this demon was telling her she did? This had been another reason why she left, because she thought she couldn’t give Fenris a family. And if there was one person in this world who really needed a family, it was Fenris. It had hurt to be the one to deprave him of that, and she thought if she left he might come to the idea that he was better off without her. That he would find someone who could give him everything he needed, but now…

She felt her world shift, her insides light with a fire so pure and strong it almost frightened her, and her focus sharpen to levels she had never experienced before. She was carrying Fenris child, their child. A miracle in a world filled with darkness and chaos. This made her tear up and she knew nothing would now stand between her and the exit. So, when she breathed her answer it was filled with a deep burning flame of protection and defiance. The demon had threatened her child. "I'm going to enjoy killing you, demon!"

Varric looked up at her with pleased surprise, and she blushed slightly. His eyes were filled with such joy and relief she almost wanted to start crying. He’d known all about her fears, about her hopelessness, about her failure. There had been no blame placed on her, of course, not from Varric or anyone else. But they all knew that she blamed herself, deep down, and had never forgiven herself for anything. To know she and Fenris would get to have this, a family, made her heart soar and slowly start to heal. Therefore, when Varric placed his hand on her stomach she allowed it without question and laughed softly with tears rolling down her cheeks. It was such a relief for both to know she would stop running now, from Fenris and from her perceived failures. 

“Varric.” She breathed softly, and the dwarf looked up at her with tears in his eyes. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Varric asked, and she shrugged. They were all focusing on the conversation taking place, and she tried to shut them out. This was only between her and Varric, no one else. 

"I didn’t dare hope." She spoke with a soft voice, but soon lost her happy glow. "Oh shit, Fenris..."

"Hawke, he will kill you." Varric looked very pleased about that fact, and she groaned with mock annoyance. She knew Varric had always been against her running away, hiding, from Fenris and now he got to mock her for her stupid decisions. Oh, well, she guessed she had earned it. 

"Shit! He _is_ going to kill me." She wasn’t overly worried, but she wasn’t stupid either. Fenris had a temper few wanted to face, but Varric only laughed at her.

"It will be all right. Just... let Broody scream for a bit. Once he's got it out of his system I'm sure it will all be forgiven. Then you can hug and kiss while you both cry your eyes out." Varric hummed happily, "I would like to see the spectacle for reference. I need material for my new book. All those spikes and broody man tears..."

She smiled at the mental picture Varric painted and nodded in agreement. "He _is_ all pointy... and he _will_ cry like a baby, I'm sure."

"I think congratulations are in order. I hope your child will be a healthy one." It was Dorian interrupting their moment, and she smiled over at him. Everyone soon joined Dorian to congratulate her, and she had to look away to hide her tears from them. Only Stroud looked slightly more worried than she would have thought, and she frowned in his direction. But he only shook his head with half a smile and she left it alone. 

She smiled down at Varric, still holding her stomach, and hugged him close. "Thank you all."

"Uncle Varric will be so proud of the little shit." He patted her stomach as he hugged her back, and she swatted his hand with mock annoyance. 

“Who said anything about you being an uncle.” She looked down at him with a raised eyebrow, but Varric only looked back with a raised eyebrow of his own.

“Just try to stop me. The little shit will love me.” They both laughed softly at that and then continued onward, following the smiling Inquisitor. Maybe things would work out in the end? She had a lover to hug and kiss like there was no tomorrow after all. Probably after Fenris had knocked her over the head, but she knew she deserved it. Fenris deserved so much better than her, but she was selfish enough to want to keep him for herself. She loved the broody bastard after all, and nothing would probably ever change that. 

***

“Hawke!” It was Varric, and she ran up to him as she emerged from the rift.

“Varric…” She sounded a little broken, but the dwarf ignored it all to hold onto her with all his might. 

“Never do that again.”

“I won’t… I’m sorry.”

“Just glad you’re safe… and the little shit. Maker’s balls.”

“Yeah…” Was all she said as they joined the Inquisitor to face the Wardens.

Stroud was lost, killed or stuck in the fade, but her child was safe. Stroud had thought it a simple enough trade; she and her child lived while he sacrificed himself for her and the Wardens. She would never see it that way, since her friend was forever lost to her, but she respected him for it none the less. He would be remembered. He died so her unborn child could live. Who wouldn’t thank every star in the sky for that miracle? And she did.

“Thank you, friend.” She whispered up at the star filled sky and hoped he could hear her. Wherever he was. “I’m so sorry…” 

***

The massive doors to Skyhold was banged open, and then…

"Hawke!" It was that familiar voice, a very loved voice, that snapped her out of her conversation with Cassandra and Varric. That voice made her insides turn to liquid and her heart burn with mixed emotions. 

She turned towards the sound without thought, everything in her telling her to move, to run, towards it. There was no time to take in how he looked, or what his expression was, because to only thing she could think about was holding him close. 

With speed that surprised most people in the great hall she ran towards her lover with a shout of, “Fenris!”

Fenris looked like he wanted nothing more than to hold her close, and she was happy to run into his open arms. With a loud laugh she jumped up into his arms, locking her legs around his waist, and started kissing him without abandon. Her lover kissed her back with just as much passion, and she could feel a weight lift from her shoulders. He was here, in her arms, kissing her like there was no tomorrow. She couldn’t be happier. 

The kiss was soon ended by Fenris and she could see his furious face looking up at her. He was still holding her close, refusing to let her down, and she clung to him just as hard. With a hard voice, but not as hard eyes, he shouted at her, "I should kill you myself!" 

“I know…” She whispered, with tears rolling down her face. So much lost, and so much gained. Maker, but she was tried.

Varric joined them and placed his hand on Fenris’ arm. The dwarf looked at them both, like he’d come home, and they looked down at him with a similar expression. They were a family in the truest sense of the word, and it gave her strength.

"Now now, Broody." Varric chided Fenris, but the crazy elf was not in the mood. He squeezed her closer to him with an unforgiving expression, but she only held on tighter as well. Colorful Tevene curses left Fenris’ lips as he tried to stop himself from shaking apart, but she only accepted it with a patient expression.

"Fenris." She tried to get a word in, after a long while of shouting, but Fenris just glared at her and continued to curse her and her choices so far. If this was to be her fate for acting without thought, she could handle it. It actually felt good to have all that passion and anger aimed at her, because she had missed Fenris’ fire something fierce these last months.

It wasn't until Varric interrupted Fenris with a shout of, "Stop squeezing her, you crazy elf! She's pregnant!", that Fenris stopped and went very still and very quiet. There was more than shock on his face, and she waited for him to say something.

His arms soon loosened and with careful movements he placed her on the ground and then sank to his knees before her. It was such a foreign sight she didn’t know what to do about it. She didn’t have to do much as Fenris hugged her stomach carefully and looked up at her with awe written all over his face. He looked like he’d found peace at the Maker’s side as his head rested against her stomach. She carefully stroked his soft hair. 

Both she and Varric were now openly crying, and Fenris soon joined them with a quiet sob. They held each other close as they cried together. It felt good and a huge relief.

"Thank you, Varric." Fenris whispered, with so much meaning behind those words she choked with emotions, but Varric only patted his shoulder.

"I know you, Broody. As I know Hawke. You’re not yourselves when you’re apart. It was painful to watch. I had to do something." Varric was still crying but wiped his tears away with a smile. Hawke kissed his head and hugged them both closer. Her family. 

Oh Maker, how she loved them.

***

Fenris refused to leave her side for a second after they ended the hug, and Varric was almost as reluctant as Fenris was. She let them fuss and follow her around as she prepared to leave Skyhold behind. There was much for her to do still, and she didn’t have the time to hang around any longer. It would be hard to leave Varric behind, to let the Inquisitor look after him, but she knew Varric wouldn’t be able to leave this mess. Not while he could stay and help, and maybe get a book or two out of the process. He was such a greedy dwarf after all, not that he himself would ever admit it.

It felt good to be on the move soon, despite the whole leaving Varric behind thing, and she knew it mostly had to do with having Fenris at her side again. Finally. Oh, Maker, how she had missed him. She never understood how they worked so good together, her being a mage and him hating most mages most days, but they just did. He trusted her not to kill him in his sleep, and she trusted him to put her down like a mad dog if she ever lost control of her magic. It was a good and reasonable deal between them, to be there no matter what, and… in worse case end each other mercifully. She had no illusions Fenris wouldn’t just end himself after ending her, but maybe with a kid on the way he would still kill her but stay for their child. She could only hope, because Fenris could be unpredictable sometimes. 

Like now. She’d never have guessed he would be all over her all the time, fussing and helping her with everything. It was like she was suddenly made of glass, and while she could understand the thought it was still weird. Not that she should speak about weird, because she was hugging her stomach and then jumping Fenris at every chance she got giving him make out session after make out session. He must think she was crazy or something.

After she’d jumped him for the fifth time that afternoon he looked up at her, sitting astride him, and aimed a soft smile at her. He only ever showed this side of himself to her, and she alone, and she treasured every little moment like this. “I shouldn’t forgive you for leaving me behind, Hawke, but I can’t help loving you despite that.”

She smiled back just as softly, with nothing but love in her eyes. “I will never do it again, I swear it. It was stupid and selfish, and…” She took a deep breath. “I missed you so much, I’m so sorry. Fenris, I’m sorry. Please forgive me…”

Fenris only shook his head at her and held her closer to his chest. “I know why you did it, and while I don’t agree I… took care of some unfinished business on my quest to find you. You motivated me with your absence to finally act, and I needed that. Because now when this unfinished business is taken care of, I can… take care of you and our…” He couldn’t continue, but she understood anyway.

“Our child?” She laughed softly and twined her fingers into his soft hair, thrilled she was able to do it again after so long. It felt like coming home.

“I… yes. Exactly.” He cleared his throat and couldn’t look at her. There was an air of uncertainty and maybe a bit of fear, but she wasn’t worried. Fenris had never taken change very well, but she would be there to support him through this. 

“No need to be nervous. I’ll protect you both.” She kissed his forehead and caressed those pointed ears with clever fingers. He responded like he always did to that stimuli, going slightly crazy and then ripping her clothes of in no time. Nothing got Fenris as hot and bothered as teasing his ears and she knew all about it of course. Sweet Maker, but he was the best lover, ever. And while there was a desperate need underlying their lovemaking it still felt like coming home. 

Home truly was where the heart is, and her heart would always be with Fenris. 

***

“Take care, Varric.” She said with a soft voice. “Come back to me in one piece, this little shit,” She patted her stomach, “is going to need her uncle.”

Varric looked like he was close to tears and nodded. “Of course. I will have to teach the little shit all I know, after all. Can’t have you and Broody as the only influence, the kid will either grow up to take over the world or never stop brooding. Perish the thought.”

Fenris gave Varric his most unimpressed face but clapped the dwarf on his shoulder and said with a serious voice. “Do as she says.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Broody.” Varric laughed, but then said with a stern voice. “Protect them, you hear. I want to meet my little shit when this crazy business is all taken care of.”

She rolled her eyes and hit them both over the head. “I’ll be fine. And depending on how long this mission of yours take, it’s not certain the baby will have arrived yet. There’s a lot to do yet before I’m immobilized.”

“Why won’t you move? Is there anything I can do?” Fenris looked a bit bothered and somewhat confused, and both Varric and Hawke shook their heads with fond smiles.

“I take it you haven’t seen many pregnant women before.” Varric hummed, and Hawke tried to keep her laughter at bay.

“Not really.” Fenris narrowed his eyes. “But I will read about it. Maybe meet a healer. And I should probably write to Carver about it, he would want to know.” He trailed of as he composed a mental list over things he would have to do during the coming weeks, and she let him be.

“I will see you soon.” She whispered to Varric, and then ended it on a cheery note. “Weisshaupt will never know what hit them.”

This made both Varric and Fenris laugh, and Varric said with a grin. “Don’t blow up too many things while I’m gone. I don’t want to miss all the fun.”

“No promises.” She said with glee, and Fenris rolled his eyes. Together they waved their goodbyes to Varric and left Skyhold behind. 

The End


End file.
